I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
