the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
