look no pants
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
