This is not my ceiling
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize