then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
