I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
This girl is more easily done than said...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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