Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's always time for handjobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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