Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize