Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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