Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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