Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
