Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The Olympian is in my bed
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