she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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