I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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