ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
