this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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