can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My ass is underappreciated
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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