I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
