Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize