just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
