I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
