when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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