I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
