just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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