im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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