This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
