If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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