I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
