when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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