I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
