No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
