Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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