all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
