im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
