she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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