And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
