Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
