Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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