I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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