ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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