Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
