So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
