Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
