ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
