Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this boner is exhausting
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
