tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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