Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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