I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
