i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
