I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
