i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
