I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
