You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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