I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
