Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize