Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
