Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
