Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
