dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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