Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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