hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
