You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Randomize
