How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
