Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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